SLEEP

I used to be never able to sleep.

Somewhere in my gut, something was giving me terrible nightmares.

My insides were screaming & I wasn't listening.

I have never selpt better in my life than I do now.

BOYS & BOOKS

"I was thinking about how you said I could always trust you.

I ws skeptical.

You said I HAD to trust you.

I wanted to believe you.

You BEGGED me to trust you.

You were so earnest, so persuassive, so charming. SO boyish & sincere.

I said I knew that if I could learn to trust you, it would make me a better person in so many ways.

You wrapped your arms around me.

I allowed myself to be convinced.

You begged me to trust you.

And I did.

You said I was the one person in your life with whom you could always be open, honest & revealing.

You said I was the last person on earth you would ever wamt to hurt.

You said I meant so much to you... so very much... and always would.

You said, 'I would nevere, never, never, want to hurt you'

I said, 'If I didn't already love you so much, I would love you even more."

-Diane Schoemperlen, "At A Loss For Words"

This quote makes me seem like I am pinning away, but I am not however, I just had to show it because I think it sums up what so many of us feel, at some point. I love the way Diane writes. She writes directly to her subjects & it reads like a journal entry. It is very honest. Love that.

Apocalyptica - I Don't Care

I don't care at all!

I MET A NEW ONE & HE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU

You were a hard scar to heal, my love. That was some war you fought to stay under my skin.

"I miss you" still affects me. I guess that is just the long-flowing aftermath of love. You watch the ones who promised to love you forever, love someone else. Maybe they miss you. Maybe they are just selfish. Maybe they are just as happy as they are pretending. Maybe they are secretly unhappy and wished things were different. Who knows?

Love doesn't end. Love just floats around in between all the messy stuff life throws at us: people, places, situations & ego. The realization that you weren't validated by someone capable of seeing your true greatness, can be hard on your heart.

I say... revel at the unfortunate limit of their vision.

Poor them, they couldn't see how bright of a light you were in their life & now you're busy shining for someone else.

I said I would love you forever... I meant I would love you until I loved someone else.

GOSSIP IS THE NEW BLACK

Every few years, something happens to make me remember why gossip is so awful. For the most part, I stay away from people who gossip and those who make themselves feel better by talking about the faults of others. I think this is one of the strongest suits of my character. But I make mistakes sometimes... we all do.

I was really proud of my friend for sticking up for me when some co-workers were beating me down with the words. It was the day I got my job. I am not a stupid girl. I know why some of you are around, and you admit it, and so do I. I do not care how we found each other, only that you stayed, were inspired and maybe inspired me too!

When I got this job, I was in the middle of some shocking heartbreak. It was terrible. The mere mention of anything about him made me cry. I was just strong enough to keep it together for 8 hours at work, and on this one day, on lunch, I was upset, crying and complaining. Heartbreak makes you do silly things, and took a lot of this amazing blessing out of focus for me. ANYWAYS, point of the story, my friend Cass came to my defense on this attack and said that they didn't really know me and that they didn't know the whole story, what had happened, and how broken I was. It takes a very strong person to not join on a bandwagon... of any kind. It is easier as humans to just agree, be nasty, and make ourselves feel better at the expense of others. I see this a lot... people with fake self-confidence, picking someone to hate because they cannot be big enough to fix the things they hate about themselves.

Anyways, this week, I went on a date. I cannot believe I am back in the dating world. I told a few details of my date to some girls, in which they screamed out and then everyone knew, talked about and asked about. I think I have learned that you gotta keep your personal stuff private, that way when someone makes a fool of you, you do not look like a fool to everyone, and instead just to yourself. So everyone was chatting about me and everyone knew my business. Not cool.

End of story, it is always best to talk about sunshine and rainbows, guys and girls can never really be "friends", gossip hurts, I had a date and it was fun and gave me hope that there are people (Men) who think I am worth all their best efforts.

I also think that life is about growing up and it is sort of like fitness. You can work out and eat right until you reach your perfect body, but if you start eating junk again, you will lose it. Same thing with the soul. Being a good, compassionate person is work, and we must all work at it each and every day and there will never be a point in life where we reach a point where we can slack off in that department. The minute we stop being aware of the power of our words and actions, there is a chance that we can really hurt someone else... or even ourselves. If we make a mistake, we must say sorry and start again fresh and work even harder at being enlightened.

THOUGHTS

Maybe it meant something, maybe not, in the long run. But no explanation, no mix of words or music or memories, can touch that sense of knowing that you were there & alive in that corner of time & the world... whatever it meant.

CAN'T CRY THESE TEARS ANYMORE

I just don't care anymore, I've reached the end of the road.

I just don't care anymore, won't cry these tears anymore.

Can't find it in the Bible, can't find it on TV, can't find it in diamonds, there's something inside me that just won't allow me to find it in music.

Can't find in it in my soul, can't find it in chocolate. Oh, RK, I can't hide it... I can't even find it in you.

There's no way she can kiss you the way that I do.

I heard that you miss me... you should be careful who you keep talking to.

Long nights without you have taught me to be strong.

I've cut all my losses, think no more about it cause I couldn't find it in you.

There was a time I thought I'd die if you should ever leave me high & dry.

Now, you don't want me anymore... it's time to settle the score.

I've reached the end of my tether.

I've torn all your letters up.

I've reached the end of my rope & it's time that I told you so...

I just don't care anymore cause I won't cry these tears anymore.

Happy birthday to me

Cappie & Casey - Lights will guide you home (3x09)

I want this... all of it. A love so pure that it sweeps me off my feet. I want it... with all my heart

SMILING SO BIG... MY CHEEKS HURTS

It's good to get your heart broken... it adds a layer to who you are & makes you more interesting, and seriously... fuck that wanker.

You just gotta find someone who adores you

Maybe one door closes so another door can open.

Hence... I can't stop smiling

IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, YOU BETTER SAY IT NOW

As humanity evolves, we must take every day & every breath as if it is the first, last & only thing we have because, if I constantly work on myself, my soul & dealing with the daily influx of emotions, grudges, ego, hurt, happiness, forgiveness, resentment & mistakes... then I have only grown to deal with the past. If we see things & people in our lives as they were yesterday, then there has been no growth. We must give each other the constant ability to change. Everything that happened in the past, never happened. I do not know that person, those days. I only know this day, this person standing before me & the words and actions as they say them, or do them in front of me. We must let everything & everyone in our live evolve.

The All-American Rejects - I Wanna

Can you hear me say... don't throw me away?

And this made me fall even more in love with him. Cuz I know that one day, it will be our baby he will be holding like that.

I've been sleeping with the lights on

so if I wake up in the night

your picture is clearly in sight

I do it for the joy it brings because I'm a joyful girl

because the world owes me nothing and we owe each other the world

I do it because it's the least I can do

I do it because I learned it from you

I do it just because I want to

Everything I do is judged and they mostly get it wrong

but... oh, well

Cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged

and the woman who lives there can tell the truth from the stuff that they say

and she looks me in the eye and says:

"Would you prefer the easy way? No. Well, ok, then...

don't cry"

I was his first love.

She is the love of his life.

They are bound to be together forever.

They are bound to have their 'Happily Ever After'

Their bound to have a future full of love & understanting.

She is taking a great man.

He is taking a wonderful & amazing woman.

I couldn't be more happy for them.

I couldn't be more happy for being a part of their amazing life.

I just couldn't be more happy.

YOU ARE SOME RESILENT SHIT, NIA

That might be my favorite quote of all time. When things suck, or get us down in life, we just have to remember that we only get a few years on this awesome planet, and hate, anger and sleeplessness are not putting those short hours to work. Life knocks us down, people are not who you expected them to be, you get cut from the most important job in your life, and what can we do? You gotta pick your baggage and carry on! Be the BEST you that you know how to be and do everything you can everyday to make yourself happy. For me its reading something interesting, singing my favorite songs at the top of my lungs while I'm driving, spending some time alone to get to know me better, getting dressed up, and spending time talking to my best friends and REALLY listening. How often do you REALLY listen? You should really try it, super enlightening. I am alive, awake, healthy, loved, and most of all and it is so wonderful, I get to do what excites me to no end.

My friend said once that he never needed to do drugs because nothing could compare to the drug of doing exactly what we love. I agree. Life is too beautiful. Seriously.

There are only a few things that help me remember that CEM is just a normal human being like the rest of us

1. The way he flinched & cried a bit when he got his lip pierced.
2. The way he blushes & looks down whenever a ETF song comes on the radio.
3. The fact that he's ticklish absolutelt everywhere on his body.
4. The way he cried at the end of 'Beauty & The Beast'
5. The fact that he can't help but smile when I remind him about that day we spent at the beach, no matter how depressed he is.
6. The way his face lights up when he finally finishes a song he's been working on.
7. The way that, no matter what, he can make me laugh.

Honestly, I frequently forget. I end up being in complete awe at something incredibly simply he's done. But really... isn't that what love is?

I pulled the lighter out of my pocket, leaning against the chipped white rail of my mother front porch, and light a cigarette. The grass is dewy, & from my angle, the sun only accentuates the otherwise subtle sparkle.

I take one last drag deep into my lungs, & carelessly, with a quick flick from my thumb, send the butt sailing into the center of the perfectly kept front lawn.

"Where the hell is he?" I wonder, impatiently waiting for the 4-door Ford to come flying around the corner.

"One more day of hell" I think to myself, contemplating another cigarette. In the distance, the faint, low draing sound of double time drums blare from an average car stereo. Finally... 20 minutes late. As usual, he refuses to pull into the driveway. I start towards the car. He barely acknoledges his friend, as his off-key singled out sing-along continues.

"I can't believe you actually enjoy listening to this shit" I say. He playfully gives me the finger & smashes the off botton on the dial.

"Good morning, sunshine. Where the hell did you go last night? Why didn't you anwered the phone? I was worried about you, Nia"

I swallow hard, and accept the fact that I'll never be able to tell him where I went last night. Never be able to tell him what my Mom has done. So I paint a smirk where my woe should be... & turn the music back.

FIRST FRIDAY

The fluttering in the stomach goes away and the dull waking pain. Sometimes I think of you & I feel giddy. Memory makes me lightheaded... drunk on champagne. All the things we did. And if anyone had said this was the price, I would have to agreed to pay it. That surprises me... that with the hurt & the mess, comes a shaft of recognition. It was worth it... love is worth it.

I'm madly in love with a beautiful boy. He's not only my lover, he's my best friend... the only one who TRULY gets me. He's my world. We've been through everything imaginable together. Forgive... forget... and trust. Without him I wouldn't be the woman that I am today. I know I'm going to marry him one day. He holds the TRUE key to my heart. iloveyoucem... forever & for always, beeb!

A POET'S ADVICE

By: EE Cummings

A real human is somebody who feels & who expresses his or her feelings. This soinds easy... it isn't.

A lot of people think or believe or know what they feel but that's thinking or believing or knowing... not feeling. And being real is feeling not just knowing or believing or thinking.

Almost anybody can learn to think or believe or know, but it's very difficult to learn to feel. Why? Because whenever you think, or you believe, or you know... you're a lot of other people. But the moment you feel, you're nobody-but-yourself.

To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best, night & day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight... and never stop fighting.

As for communicating nobody-but-yourself to others, that means working just a little harder than anybody who isn't real can possible imagine. Why?

Beacause nothing is quite as easy as just being just like somebody else. We, all of us, do exactly this nearly all of the time and whenever we do it... we are not real.

If, at the end of your first 10 or 15 years of fighting & working & feeling, you find you've loved just once with a nobody-but-yourself heart, you'll be very lucky indeed.

And so my advice to all young people who wish to become real is: Do something easy, like dreaming of freedom... unless you're ready to commit yourself to feel & work & fight till you die.

*~*~*~*

I think what this says is important on a lot of levels. Definitely a reflection of my aspirations & goals, not only in writing but also in LIFE.

It's hard to be yourself in the face of social competition, surrounded by most people that blindly conform into whatever is easiest... coolest... acceptable... popular. I am guilty of this a lot of the time. Its nearly impossible to be yourself 100% of the time.

However, when you find yourself in love, whether it's with a person, a place or an art, you're closer than ever. For instance, in a song or writing is where I'm most myself. Capturing all my emotions in my own little melting pot of self. When you find yourself in a moment in time when NOTHING else matters but that moment, and you & yours... in that moment alone, you're real... you're free.

That's the feeling I get when I write. On a particularly magical night. When I listen to a meaningful & good song. When I lie in bed with him for hours. When I cry & laugh at the same time when no one is around. In these moments alone, I'm real... I'm free.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A HUMAN HEART? IT LOOKS LIKE A FIST WRAPPED IN BLOOD

She often smokes to avoid worse habits, between the numbness & the faint probe of what it was to cry or smile. She finds it hard to let it go, to release the line... to raise the gate.

A hand slams in the drawer and she showers with the lights off & the door open. Left over popcorn seeds crunched & still stuck between her teeth.

She didn't want to go out tonight.

Waiting until the hot water runs out, she leans her shoulders back against the cool, tile wall. She'd loved to see her dining room turned inside out. Carefully transplanted onto the front yard, arranged & displayed the same way she remembered it.

Without walls, everything seems strange & tranquil. Rebellion is the cure for casual malcontent, however temporary it may be. But in those unabashed moments, she tastes with fleeting tongue the flavors of freedom.

A MASSIVE CHANDELIER

It's like a faux candle that won't mealt, trapped inside a miniture canister, filled with oil to spare. Sitting at a table with 3 chairs, slightly off center beneath a massive chandelier.

Centered enough, though, for its support latch snapped, so would my neck. The 'taste glass' hit the palette differently than the fresh bottle has... drinking wine that's a bit too acidic. Maybe it just needs a little more time to breathe.

Like me... first mpressions are often misleading.

The furniture is very nice, and everything is complimentary. Place-mats and menus are welcoming. Matching patterns contrast the cuts of corresponding table woodwork, while socialites sip smiles with wine glass arm extensions, and spit semantics from stools at a fully stocked bar... fueled by incalculably cold hearts that slowly beat without a sound... drowned out by their own low droning mouths.

I'm like a proud candle that won't melt, trapped inside a miniture canister, filled with oil to spare. Sitting at a table with 3 chairs, slightly off center beneath a massive chandelier.

EL HOMBRE Y LA MUJER

El hombre piensa... la mujer sueña. Pensar es tener cerebro... soñar es tener en la frente una aureola.

El hombre es un oceano... la mujer es un lago. El oceano tiene la presencia que embellece... el lago, la poesia que deslumbra.

El hombre es el aguila que vuela... la mujer, un ruiseñor que canta. Volar es dominar el cielo... cantar es conquistar el alma.

El hombre tiene un faro... la conciencia. La mujer tiene una estrella... la esperanza. El faro guia... la esperanza salva.

En fin, el hombre esta colocado donde termina la tierra... la mujer, donde comienza el cielo.

I still do, but sometimes, I can't help but think how shitty it is that people like a band just for a song. There is so much more than that. This bands & some other too (Like The All-American Rejects & Bon Jovi) they fill my life & they speak to me in every possible way. I love them... cuz I'm proud to consider myself a REAL fan. Don't let a song, just cuz its catchy & popular, become THE song for you. Try to see above that & you'll discover so much wonderful things. Because its small things, like a verse in a song, that really changes your perspective about whatever it is you're thinking. Keep your mind open, and above all... your heart. Cuz you'll never know when its gonna hit you.

Lo esencial para el corazon es invisible para los ojos

EL HOMBRE PERFECTO

En una breve conversacion, un hombre le pregunta a una mujer:
"Que tipo de hombre estas buscando?"

"Siendo una mujer en esta epoca, estoy en una posicion de pedirle a un hombre lo que yo sola no puedo hacer por mi. Yo pago todas mis facturas. Yo me encargo de mi casa sin la ayuda de un hombre. Yo estoy en la posicion de preguntar... que es lo que tu puedes aportar en mi vida?"

El hombre se le quedo viendo. El claramente penso que ella se estaba refiriendo al dinero. Ella le dijo:

"No me estoy refiriendo al dinero. Yo necesito algo mas. Yo necesito un hombre que luche por la perfeccion en todos los aspectos de la vida"

El cruzo los brazos, se recargo en la silla y mirandola, le pidio que le explicara. Ella dijo:

"Yo busco a alguien que luche por la perfeccion mental, porque yo necesito a alguien con quien conversar y que me estimule mentalmente. Yo no necesito a alguien mentalmente simple. Yo estoy buscando a alguien que luche por la perfeccion espiritual porque yo necesito a alguien con quien compartir mi fe en Dios. No necesito un hombre que luche por la perfeccion financiera porque yo no necesito un cargo financiero. Yo estoy buscando a alguien a quien yo pueda respetar. Para poder ser sumisa, yo debo respetarlo. Yo no puedo ser sumisa con un hombre que no pueda arreglar el mismo sus problemas. Yo no tengo ningun problema con el ser sumisa, simplemente el tiene que merecerselo. Dios hizo la mujer para ayudar al hombre. Yo no puedo ayudar a un hombre que no se puede ayudar a si mismo"

Cuando termino, ella lo vio a los ojos y el se veia muy confundido y con interrogantes. El le dijo:

"Estas pidiendo mucho"

Ella le contesto: "Yo valgo mucho"

He has a girlfriend.
He loves his girlfriend.
I hate his girlfriend.
Why? Why? Why?
I love him & when he talks about her & send her those little secret messages... it breaks my heart.
That should be me.
I should be the one in his arms, the one he holds at night, the one he loves... that should be me.
I should be the one inspiring him.
I should be the one he dreams of.
But no, that's not me... it's her.
And there's nothing I can do to make him love me.
Not anymore

As I look at the stars
All I see is the bright sparkle in your eyes
When you said 'I love you'
And I said 'I love you' back