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SLEEP

I used to be never able to sleep.

Somewhere in my gut, something was giving me terrible nightmares.

My insides were screaming & I wasn't listening.

I have never selpt better in my life than I do now.

BOYS & BOOKS

"I was thinking about how you said I could always trust you.

I ws skeptical.

You said I HAD to trust you.

I wanted to believe you.

You BEGGED me to trust you.

You were so earnest, so persuassive, so charming. SO boyish & sincere.

I said I knew that if I could learn to trust you, it would make me a better person in so many ways.

You wrapped your arms around me.

I allowed myself to be convinced.

You begged me to trust you.

And I did.

You said I was the one person in your life with whom you could always be open, honest & revealing.

You said I was the last person on earth you would ever wamt to hurt.

You said I meant so much to you... so very much... and always would.

You said, 'I would nevere, never, never, want to hurt you'

I said, 'If I didn't already love you so much, I would love you even more."

-Diane Schoemperlen, "At A Loss For Words"

This quote makes me seem like I am pinning away, but I am not however, I just had to show it because I think it sums up what so many of us feel, at some point. I love the way Diane writes. She writes directly to her subjects & it reads like a journal entry. It is very honest. Love that.

Apocalyptica - I Don't Care

I don't care at all!

I MET A NEW ONE & HE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU

You were a hard scar to heal, my love. That was some war you fought to stay under my skin.

"I miss you" still affects me. I guess that is just the long-flowing aftermath of love. You watch the ones who promised to love you forever, love someone else. Maybe they miss you. Maybe they are just selfish. Maybe they are just as happy as they are pretending. Maybe they are secretly unhappy and wished things were different. Who knows?

Love doesn't end. Love just floats around in between all the messy stuff life throws at us: people, places, situations & ego. The realization that you weren't validated by someone capable of seeing your true greatness, can be hard on your heart.

I say... revel at the unfortunate limit of their vision.

Poor them, they couldn't see how bright of a light you were in their life & now you're busy shining for someone else.

I said I would love you forever... I meant I would love you until I loved someone else.

GOSSIP IS THE NEW BLACK

Every few years, something happens to make me remember why gossip is so awful. For the most part, I stay away from people who gossip and those who make themselves feel better by talking about the faults of others. I think this is one of the strongest suits of my character. But I make mistakes sometimes... we all do.

I was really proud of my friend for sticking up for me when some co-workers were beating me down with the words. It was the day I got my job. I am not a stupid girl. I know why some of you are around, and you admit it, and so do I. I do not care how we found each other, only that you stayed, were inspired and maybe inspired me too!

When I got this job, I was in the middle of some shocking heartbreak. It was terrible. The mere mention of anything about him made me cry. I was just strong enough to keep it together for 8 hours at work, and on this one day, on lunch, I was upset, crying and complaining. Heartbreak makes you do silly things, and took a lot of this amazing blessing out of focus for me. ANYWAYS, point of the story, my friend Cass came to my defense on this attack and said that they didn't really know me and that they didn't know the whole story, what had happened, and how broken I was. It takes a very strong person to not join on a bandwagon... of any kind. It is easier as humans to just agree, be nasty, and make ourselves feel better at the expense of others. I see this a lot... people with fake self-confidence, picking someone to hate because they cannot be big enough to fix the things they hate about themselves.

Anyways, this week, I went on a date. I cannot believe I am back in the dating world. I told a few details of my date to some girls, in which they screamed out and then everyone knew, talked about and asked about. I think I have learned that you gotta keep your personal stuff private, that way when someone makes a fool of you, you do not look like a fool to everyone, and instead just to yourself. So everyone was chatting about me and everyone knew my business. Not cool.

End of story, it is always best to talk about sunshine and rainbows, guys and girls can never really be "friends", gossip hurts, I had a date and it was fun and gave me hope that there are people (Men) who think I am worth all their best efforts.

I also think that life is about growing up and it is sort of like fitness. You can work out and eat right until you reach your perfect body, but if you start eating junk again, you will lose it. Same thing with the soul. Being a good, compassionate person is work, and we must all work at it each and every day and there will never be a point in life where we reach a point where we can slack off in that department. The minute we stop being aware of the power of our words and actions, there is a chance that we can really hurt someone else... or even ourselves. If we make a mistake, we must say sorry and start again fresh and work even harder at being enlightened.

THOUGHTS

Maybe it meant something, maybe not, in the long run. But no explanation, no mix of words or music or memories, can touch that sense of knowing that you were there & alive in that corner of time & the world... whatever it meant.

CAN'T CRY THESE TEARS ANYMORE

I just don't care anymore, I've reached the end of the road.

I just don't care anymore, won't cry these tears anymore.

Can't find it in the Bible, can't find it on TV, can't find it in diamonds, there's something inside me that just won't allow me to find it in music.

Can't find in it in my soul, can't find it in chocolate. Oh, RK, I can't hide it... I can't even find it in you.

There's no way she can kiss you the way that I do.

I heard that you miss me... you should be careful who you keep talking to.

Long nights without you have taught me to be strong.

I've cut all my losses, think no more about it cause I couldn't find it in you.

There was a time I thought I'd die if you should ever leave me high & dry.

Now, you don't want me anymore... it's time to settle the score.

I've reached the end of my tether.

I've torn all your letters up.

I've reached the end of my rope & it's time that I told you so...

I just don't care anymore cause I won't cry these tears anymore.

Happy birthday to me