I've been sleeping with the lights on

so if I wake up in the night

your picture is clearly in sight

I do it for the joy it brings because I'm a joyful girl

because the world owes me nothing and we owe each other the world

I do it because it's the least I can do

I do it because I learned it from you

I do it just because I want to

Everything I do is judged and they mostly get it wrong

but... oh, well

Cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged

and the woman who lives there can tell the truth from the stuff that they say

and she looks me in the eye and says:

"Would you prefer the easy way? No. Well, ok, then...

don't cry"

I was his first love.

She is the love of his life.

They are bound to be together forever.

They are bound to have their 'Happily Ever After'

Their bound to have a future full of love & understanting.

She is taking a great man.

He is taking a wonderful & amazing woman.

I couldn't be more happy for them.

I couldn't be more happy for being a part of their amazing life.

I just couldn't be more happy.

YOU ARE SOME RESILENT SHIT, NIA

That might be my favorite quote of all time. When things suck, or get us down in life, we just have to remember that we only get a few years on this awesome planet, and hate, anger and sleeplessness are not putting those short hours to work. Life knocks us down, people are not who you expected them to be, you get cut from the most important job in your life, and what can we do? You gotta pick your baggage and carry on! Be the BEST you that you know how to be and do everything you can everyday to make yourself happy. For me its reading something interesting, singing my favorite songs at the top of my lungs while I'm driving, spending some time alone to get to know me better, getting dressed up, and spending time talking to my best friends and REALLY listening. How often do you REALLY listen? You should really try it, super enlightening. I am alive, awake, healthy, loved, and most of all and it is so wonderful, I get to do what excites me to no end.

My friend said once that he never needed to do drugs because nothing could compare to the drug of doing exactly what we love. I agree. Life is too beautiful. Seriously.

There are only a few things that help me remember that CEM is just a normal human being like the rest of us

1. The way he flinched & cried a bit when he got his lip pierced.
2. The way he blushes & looks down whenever a ETF song comes on the radio.
3. The fact that he's ticklish absolutelt everywhere on his body.
4. The way he cried at the end of 'Beauty & The Beast'
5. The fact that he can't help but smile when I remind him about that day we spent at the beach, no matter how depressed he is.
6. The way his face lights up when he finally finishes a song he's been working on.
7. The way that, no matter what, he can make me laugh.

Honestly, I frequently forget. I end up being in complete awe at something incredibly simply he's done. But really... isn't that what love is?

I pulled the lighter out of my pocket, leaning against the chipped white rail of my mother front porch, and light a cigarette. The grass is dewy, & from my angle, the sun only accentuates the otherwise subtle sparkle.

I take one last drag deep into my lungs, & carelessly, with a quick flick from my thumb, send the butt sailing into the center of the perfectly kept front lawn.

"Where the hell is he?" I wonder, impatiently waiting for the 4-door Ford to come flying around the corner.

"One more day of hell" I think to myself, contemplating another cigarette. In the distance, the faint, low draing sound of double time drums blare from an average car stereo. Finally... 20 minutes late. As usual, he refuses to pull into the driveway. I start towards the car. He barely acknoledges his friend, as his off-key singled out sing-along continues.

"I can't believe you actually enjoy listening to this shit" I say. He playfully gives me the finger & smashes the off botton on the dial.

"Good morning, sunshine. Where the hell did you go last night? Why didn't you anwered the phone? I was worried about you, Nia"

I swallow hard, and accept the fact that I'll never be able to tell him where I went last night. Never be able to tell him what my Mom has done. So I paint a smirk where my woe should be... & turn the music back.

FIRST FRIDAY

The fluttering in the stomach goes away and the dull waking pain. Sometimes I think of you & I feel giddy. Memory makes me lightheaded... drunk on champagne. All the things we did. And if anyone had said this was the price, I would have to agreed to pay it. That surprises me... that with the hurt & the mess, comes a shaft of recognition. It was worth it... love is worth it.

I'm madly in love with a beautiful boy. He's not only my lover, he's my best friend... the only one who TRULY gets me. He's my world. We've been through everything imaginable together. Forgive... forget... and trust. Without him I wouldn't be the woman that I am today. I know I'm going to marry him one day. He holds the TRUE key to my heart. iloveyoucem... forever & for always, beeb!